Author: loufin3

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Is Neurofeedback Okay for Kids?

Yes!

Ok, now that I have given away the punchline, let’s talk about when and why you might consider adding Neurofeedback to support your child’s needs and diagnoses (and some times when you would not).

Let’s Meet Some Kids!

Let’s consider Ian. Ian is 4 years old, really into watching a certain Australian cartoon, has about 100 stuffies, can fully express himself, loves to color, and…is refusing to wear pants in winter, is taking 2 hours to fall asleep every night because he’s scared to be alone in bed, is having huge meltdowns, struggles with having to be with a sitter, and is showing a lot of other rigidity. The biggest change in his life is that a new sibling was born about 4 months ago. After his little sister was born, mom has been struggling with physical recovery requiring her to attend extra doctors visits and focus on rest causing household routines to change significantly. Ian has begun starting every day with asking what the schedule is and a small deviation from the plan will trigger a huge meltdown.

Or perhaps consider 11 year-old Jayme. Jayme has good grades, but becomes stressed and frustrated when having to work through a difficult task–which can range from homework to chores or sometimes leaving the house for school. While generally mild-mannered, in these spaces she yells at those around her or shuts down. She loves to read and swim, but as she reaches adolescence, her anger outbursts have intensified and her parents have noticed that she is beginning to struggle to connect with friends. Her parents took her to counseling around age 9 because of school stress and the therapist eventually recommended she go through testing to see if there were any relevant diagnoses. She was diagnosed with ADHD and the family has done some learning about what that means, but are feeling stuck as the anger ramps up. Jayme doesn’t mind going to therapy, but struggles to implement the tools outside of the session. Medication was discussed, but Jayme’s parents aren’t sure if they want to use a full-time intervention for something that surfaces 1-2 times a week.

Finally, let’s consider 16 year-old Xavier. Xavier loves football, but last season was cut short after he sustained a concussion during practice. He’s been showing signs of depression, but insists he’s “fine” and that once he gets back into football it won’t be an issue. His teachers have noted his grades are starting to slide and the coach recently approached him to remind him that if his GPA dips too far, it could impact his ability to play in the fall. The school counselor recommended some places for Xavier to get connected with therapy resources, but he is resistant to go because “Why would I talk to a stranger? There’s nothing wrong with me.”

As you might have guessed, these are all kids and teens who might benefit from Neurofeedback–for the sake of this post, we will assume that they have all had necessary medical and developmental concerns assessed and addressed and that these scenarios are presenting the decision point about next steps for the family.

What might Neurofeedback Help them With?

Ian is showing some typical signs of childhood anxiety. Children often try to increase their control (refusal to wear certain types of clothing) and struggle with falling asleep when their anxiety is higher. Ian could go to play therapy and it would potentially be helpful as a space for him to express his feelings, and his parents could seek increased support at their house as well. Ian could also been seen for neurofeedback and here’s what that might look like.

For Ian, the primary goals would likely be reducing anxiety, improving sleep, and reducing meltdowns. Ian has also been waking at night when the baby wakes and has been struggling to return to sleep. Because Ian is so young, it is hard for him to understand why his body feels so uncomfortable and why he is scared to be alone at night. Play therapy can help him give voice to that, but neurofeedback may be able to help him even if he can’t explain. For a child like Ian who is struggling with new baby sitters, working out getting to know a new adult in play therapy could be a challenge. While a NF provider is also a new person, the fact that the intervention involves watching a favorite movie or other videos on the screen and not a focus on relating with a new adult is often helpful for young children. Additionally, NF can address the sleep and anxiety at the same time, while working towards addressing the meltdowns. As he feels less anxious, Ian may even be better able to engage in the play therapy if still needed.

Jayme is showing the emotional reactivity and anger that are often part of the “poor brakes” i.e. less connected prefrontal cortex in ADHD. Additionally, neurodivergence can lead to developmental lags or loosing sync with peers as a child enters adolescence. In Jayme’s case, we would look at NF to help her calm the quick emotional reactions and anger outbursts, develop a longer on-ramp to when she’s about to blow due to reducing the feeling of stress. It’s also possible that the stress is partly due to the struggles with what is called “executive functioning” or the brain’s ability to (among other things!) organize and plan.

Xavier could be experiencing some sadness or possibly mild depression from the football season ending early, or it could be related to the concussion. Either way, NF can support his recovery as it is an appropriate intervention to support recovery from TBI (when medically appropriate) and depression. Since Xavier is not motivated to talk, this will allow him to make progress without having to enter into traditional talk therapy. For him, NF would focus on supporting the brain’s post-concussion healing and on the areas of the brain that support positive mood.

In summary, when do I recommend considering neurofeedback for kids?

-When there is an appropriate diagnosis or symptoms that we can address–some examples are anxiety, depression, stress, anger, ADHD, ASD, emotion regulation, trauma, and sleep issues. Some physiological symptoms may also be addressable following appropriate medical screening and recommendations.

-When there may be limitations to the benefits of other therapies, or an unwillingness to explore them

-When there are stacking issues that can all be addressed, specifically when there are both mental and physiological impacts of what the child is experiencing or multiple mental health diagnoses

And finally, when do I NOT recommend considering neurofeedback (but maybe after these questions are answered)

-If there are medical pr physical symptoms that have not been discussed with a doctor

-If you have had specific therapies recommended by your medical provider and have not pursued those yet

-If the source of the symptoms is unclear

Every situation is unique, so it can be helpful to discuss what your child is experiencing with a provider to consider if Neurofeedback may be beneficial and appropriate. Want to get started? Email here to get in touch!

Medical Disclaimer–Not Medical or Professional Advice

The content on this site is intended for general knowledge and informational purposes only, and does not constitute medical advice or to provide or act as a substitute for mental health diagnosis or treatment. It is essential to consult with a qualified healthcare professional for any health concerns or before making any decisions related to your health or mental health treatment.  You reading the information on this site does not make you a client and no patient-therapist relationship is being formed.  We cannot know you, your loved one, or your child’s personalized situation or condition and the information on this website cannot take the place of a personalized consultation with a licensed mental health professional.  The information contained in this website is not intended to be a substitute for personalized medical advice or therapy/counseling o is anything contained herein designed to provide you with medical diagnosis, treatment, or other medical services.  This site is not designed to provide you with mental health diagnosis, treatment, or other mental health services.

You are encouraged to consult your physician or a licensed therapist if you believe you would benefit from such services.  We will assume that all individuals choosing to consume or implement any information found on this website will have previously obtained clearance and permission from their applicable personal medical physician and therapist and has concluded that the above counseling or neurofeedback information may be useful or appropriate for them.

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The Scariest Disney Villain?

Have you ever watched Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame? It so happened that I ended up watching it the same week I had finished reading “When Religion Hurts You: Healing from Religious Trauma and the Impact of High Control Religion” by Laura E. Anderson, PhD and started reading “Understanding Spiritual Abuse: What it is and How to Respond” by Karen Roudkovski. Both of these books have been released in the past year and while I have not yet to finished Roudkovski’s book, I’ve appreciated the insights that both are adding to the conversation around religious and spiritual abuse.

So, why am I talking about these books in the same context as Hunchback?

In the Disney movie, the villain Frollo is shown at the start causing the death of Quasimodo’s mother and nearly drowning Quasimodo before a priest stops him. The priest declares that Frollo’s penance for wrongful death will be to raise the child. Frollo does so, but primarily has him confined in Notre Dame and raised by the priest who saved him. Where my ears perked up, was when we see adult Quasimodo and Frollo begin to interact. Frollo has raised Quasimodo to believe that if he leaves the safety of Notre Dame he will be treated cruelly for his deformity (could be true) and that it’s only through Frollo’s graciousness to take him in after he was abandoned by his unloving gypsy mother, that he has safety and a home. It took me to what I had been reading in Roudkovski’s book about the underlying themes of spiritual (and emotional) abuse being control, harm, and abuse of power. She particularly lays this out in her chapter on “Weaving a Web” which outlines how spiritual abusers draw in and trap their victims. Frollo displays classic actions that abusers use, specifically isolation, grooming (being somewhat kind to quasimodo while creating a narrative that others would not), setting himself up as the sole authority in his life who must be pleased, and so forth. Throughout the movie we also see Frollo engage in unnecessary cruelty and violence, allow Quasimodo to experience harm to “teach him a lesson,” and be consistently frustrated when legal restraints are put on the exercise of his power. Frollo at no point considers that he may be wrong, he sees all of his actions as justified. When he begins to obsess (sexually, but it’s a kids movie so it’s not overt) over Esmerelda, he blames her for being a temptation to him. To Disney’s credit, they set up in the initial song that he is a man that engages in no introspection, and they lean into the theme of what makes a man vs. a monster. As a note, while Frollo is a character with a civil role, because of the overt religious and spiritual themes in the movie and Frollo’s role as guide and catechizer to Quasimodo, I think a spiritual abuse lens is applicable. Roudkovski’s book does a good job of explaining how spiritual abuse can be relationship dependent and applies when the relationship overlaps with spiritual areas of life.

Disney followed a similar arc with the character of Mother Gothel in Tangled, though in my opinion, the magical elements of that story soften the actions whereas you meet people like Frollo in real life. For more on Tangled, here’s a blog post about how survivors of high control religion find Tangled a movie that explores religious abuse and control themes. It was interesting to be with elementary aged children while watching and to begin the process of explaining that this is called abuse and people like this exist.

If you want to understand more about how to recognize the power and control patterns that signal emotional or other forms of abuse may be happening, the Minnesota Power and Control Wheel can be a helpful starting point. Anderson has developed her own religion-focused version of this tool which can be found on page 213 of “When Religion Hurts You.” If you have experienced religious or spiritual abuse yourself, please check out Anderson’s book for an exploration on what that looks like for survivors and Roudkovski’s book to see a clear explanation of what spiritual abuse is, how it plays out over time, and what it looks like in its’ subtleties. As always, if you are experiencing emotional or physical abuse, please reach out to a trusted friend or mental health provider for support and resources.

Want to talk more with Louise? Get in touch here to learn about therapy and neurofeedback for trauma.

Want general resources? Here are some good starting points:

Domestic Violence Support | National Domestic Violence Hotline (thehotline.org)

www.tearsofeden.org

Our Mission (recoveringgrace.org) Note–this blog no longer posts new material

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Neurofeedback vs. EMDR

When I began working in the mental health field in 2011 the primary tools we had were a variety of talk therapy theories/skills and, if needed, a referral to a psychiatrist or hospital care. There were other tools available, but they were not what new clinicians were being handed. Since that time the field has begun to talk a LOT more about the concept of trauma, how our nervous system plays into both trauma and mental health states, and how to expand the toolbox for clients–this has been a great development and enabled a focus on what is called “trauma resolution” for clients.

With this expanded toolbox, you may wonder how to identify what is best to support you or your client. For this post, we will focus on the differences and overlaps between EMDR and Neurofeedback, and why I would recommend one direction or the other. For full disclosure, I am a certified Neurofeedback provider and utilize that approach in my work with clients when beneficial.

EMDR or Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing Therapy is “a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories (Shapiro, 1989a, 1989b).” In EMDR, clients recall a traumatic or distressing memory while also focusing on external stimuli, typically lateral eye movements, though other forms of stimuli may be used. The theory being that this allows the brain to access necessary pathways to reprocess the trauma in a way that it can be hopefully properly resolved, new associations can be made, and the individual can move forward. More detailed information on EMDR theory can be found here. In general, EMDR is a shorter-term approach, sometimes just 3-6 sessions may be provided to see results, and it can provide a much faster movement towards therapy goals than talk therapy alone for the appropriate client.

Neurofeedback or EEG Biofeedback is a brain-based biofeedback intervention, in which information about the electrical activity in different locations in the brain is collected via electrodes placed on the scalp, and fed back to the client by watching a movie or other audio-visual input. There are several different theories of why this works, but what we observe is that the brain takes this information and auto-corrects to new ways of functioning. Neurofeedback is used for trauma, but is a whole brain intervention, and can be applied to many types of brain-based diagnoses including anxiety, ADHD, autism, depression, sleep disorders, migraine, epilepsy, dementia, and so forth. The general goal is to stabilize and calm the nervous system, which supports healthy brain function. Like EMDR, there is also an aspect where Neurofeedback can be used for trauma resolution and moving therapy forward, but there is also an overall expectation of what I call “moving the baseline” i.e. are the client’s symptoms becoming better managed in a way that moves to a new and healthier level of daily functioning. Neurofeedback is a longer form intervention, typically 20-30 sessions (sometimes more if needed), and nearly all clients are appropriate. For more information on Neurofeedback, you can check out my previous post here.

So, how do you consider what is right for you? I like to think about this in terms of

1) Individual System Readiness 2) What is being resolved

  1. Individual System Readiness
    • How well do you handle triggers of your trauma? Are you able to use skills to calm yourself after difficult emotions arise?
  2. What is being resolved
    • Concrete traumatic events?
    • Complex trauma?
    • Nervous system instabilities such as migraines/headaches, panic attacks, chronic pain?
    • General mental heath?
    • Sleep disorders?

If you are seeking to do specific trauma work and have the ability to recall your traumatic events and manage the emotional impact of that experience, then EMDR can be an excellent tool to support and speed your therapy. If you struggle to manage that emotional impact, or are needing an approach that will pull in more areas of the brain, Neurofeedback will appropriately support your work. EMDR does have applications outside of trauma treatment, but its scope is more focused than Neurofeedback. If you would like to learn more about either approach, click here set up a consultation for Neurofeedback or to be connected with one of my colleagues who provide EMDR!

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What is Neurofeedback, and is it right for me?

I first heard about Neurofeedback circa 2012 and barely understood what it was! Since being given the opportunity to train as a practitioner in 2017 I have had many conversations with friends and clients who are wondering what it is and how it works.  This is a compilation of what I know, what I don’t, and what you might want to know if you, your loved one, or (perhaps) your client is interested in a brain-based approach to managing mental health symptoms.

Please note—I am a licensed therapist, NOT a medical doctor!  Any content presented here is for informational purposes only and is not intended to provide medical advice or treatment.  

Biofeedback, Neurofeedback, EMDR, Yoga, Meditation, Massage, Therapy—there are myriad options emerging for individuals and families to take alternative routes to manage symptoms related to various mental health and physical health diagnoses, so how do you sort out what is best for you?

This post will focus on Neurofeedback and hopefully help you start to answer that question for yourself!

What is Neurofeedback?

  Neurofeedback is a therapy that uses EEG (electroencephalogram) technology to provide nearly real-time information to the brain about what it is doing to enable the brain to increase self-regulation.  The process typically uses electrodes placed on the head to collect information on the brain activity and then this is transmitted via audio-visual and/or tactile (physically experienced) feedback, often in the form of watching a movie or images on a screen. It is not presented as a cure, but as an adjunct tool to help that particular brain perform at its best and often with a goal of assisting in symptom management.  It has many applications, but was first used in humans with epilepsy with effective results (p. 44, 46-47; A Symphony in the Brain) and then spread into other diagnoses.  My clients typically seek Neurofeedback to help manage mental health diagnoses such as Anxiety, ADHD/ADD, PTSD, Depression, addiction, and Autism Spectrum Disorder. Providers also use Neurofeedback to treat issues as broad as sleep disorders, physical pain, bed-wetting in children, Parkinson’s, dementias, to improve peak performance in athletes, and many, many other conditions.

It should be noted, Neurofeedback is not represented as appropriate to be used in lieu of necessary medical treatment.  Medications and/or other treatments should not be stopped or changed except as advised by your medical doctor.

How does it work in the brain?

At present, we are not precisely sure how Neurofeedback has an impact. There are various theories ranging from it being a process that teaches the brain to increase/decrease certain types of brainwaves to the results having to do with how the brain sends signals, but as of yet we do not have a clear answer.

Is Neurofeedback just a placebo effect?

Even though we don’t fully understand HOW it works, there are reasons to believe that it is more than just placebo.  The first reason is that it works in animals as well as in people.  While humans have reasons to want their goals to happen, animals do not share that drive and yet have demonstrated the ability to show changes in types of brain waves they are producing based on the feedback (p.43, A Symphony in the Brain).  Secondly, not all results of Neurofeedback are in line with the client’s goals.  A client may have symptoms return if settings are wrong, may get too energized or too slowed down, etc.  If it was only a placebo, we would expect to see similar results regardless of what we did.  That being said, double blind studies are difficult with this modality and so the research has been done via different types of studies. 

What will my provider do in a session?

While there are several different approaches, all will use some combination of the following aspects.  Electrodes are placed on the scalp and forehead to capture brain wave activity, a way to show that to the brain (often through watching a video or playing a video game), a knowledgable provider to assess the client’s needs and develop a plan, and ways to assess and re-assess for progress.  An electrode is a small receptor attached to a wire which transmits back to a machine.  These are electrodes like those used in sleep studies and for EEG (electroencephalogram) readings that are done by medical doctors and can be medical grade.  While not necessarily all are, in general the equipment used in Neurofeedback is FDA regulated.  During a session you will likely be sitting or reclining comfortably in a chair that faces the feedback via a tv or computer screen.  Your provider may or may not be in the room depending on the approach. 

If you are working with me, you will be the only client in the room.  Our sessions will involve checking-in on how you have been since the last session, discussing any observed symptom changes, placing the electrodes, and then 30 minutes of training. 

Initial sessions take about an hour to complete all tasks, over time they shorten to about 45 minutes.

What will I experience in a session?

Neurofeedback is an individual experience because all brains are unique.  The approach I use is symptoms-based, which means we will adjust based on what you are experiencing in and after the sessions. You may experience a variety of physical sensations (calming/tensing, emotional changes, changes in energy level) during a session but not everyone does.  I talk to you about what you might expect based on your symptom profile, but there is not a “right” response to Neurofeedback in my world!  If you have a highly sensitive nervous system, then I do expect that we will need to work a little more slowly and precisely.  

Does everyone use the same settings?

During the initial 7-12 (approximately) sessions we will be working to identify your ideal settings, which is called a protocol.  Settings have to do with where we place the electrodes and what types of brain waves that will best benefit you (this is also called your optimal frequency).  Your brain’s ideal setting is where you are able to feel simultaneously calm, relaxed, and alert.  This may be seen in session or in changes over the next few days.  Some may notice changes in sleep, differences in intensity or frequency of emotional reactions, a lasting sense of calm, and other changes.  From your assessment we will be tracking a handful of symptoms to help us hone in your personal settings (called a protocol).  As we see (or do not see) progress towards your goals we will adjust as needed. 

There are no true “side effects” of Neurofeedback, but during the process of protocol development you may experience an increase of the symptoms you are seeking to better manage. If this happens, it shows us that 1) your brain is aware and responding to what we are doing and 2) guides us towards better settings. Communication is key! Always tell your provider promptly if you are seeing an increase in unwanted symptoms so that adjustments can be made and those symptoms can be addressed.

How often will I do Neurofeedback?

In the beginning, an ideal session frequency is 2-3 times a week.  The effects of a session will last around 24-48 hours and over time you should see a longer lasting impact.  Once the session impact is longer, sessions can be spaced out until the client has achieved their goals.  At this point, a client may choose to end sessions or move to being seen only when symptoms flare up.

Who can Neurofeedback help?

Because of the passive nature of Neurofeedback it can be effectively utilized with people of all ages, in some cases it has even been used with infants!  The majority of those who utilize Neurofeedback are children of school age up to adults.  The method can also effectively be adapted to benefit individuals with auditory and visual impairments. 

Can MY kid do Neurofeedback?

You may wonder if your energetic, wiggly, or perhaps anxious/overly cautious child will be able to handle having electrodes put on their head and sitting still for a half an hour.  As each child is unique there is a bit of trial and error, but in general children become engaged with the feedback and are able to stay still enough to benefit.  If there is a tendency to touch the electrodes or otherwise fidget the child can be given a small toy to play with to engage their hands, the child can stand during the session, or we will get creative and find what works!  Many children end up enjoying the sessions even if initially cautious.

Is it ok to do Neurofeedback and…?

There are no hard and fast reasons a person can’t do Neurofeedback, however, there are times when the timing is not right or other factors need to be ruled out prior to starting.  In general, you should not start multiple forms of therapy at the same time, regardless of what is being addressed.  If you are starting a new medication or other therapy, then ideally that will begin before trying Neurofeedback or after you know how Neurofeedback impacts your brain.  For each of these tools to work their best, your providers need to be able to clearly see their individual impact on you.

If there is a question of an unresolved medical issue, that should be explored first.  Outside of these considerations, Neurofeedback can be effectively used at the same time as medication, therapy, occupational therapy, chiropractic, and even other related approaches such as sound therapy.   

Who provides Neurofeedback?

Neurofeedback is provided by individuals trained in the method who may be considered practitioners themselves or who are operating under the license of a trained professional such as a medical doctor.  Each Neurofeedback approach will have its own way of deciding who can provide the services.  Commonly though, it is provided by licensed professionals such as Professional Counselors, Nurses, Chiropractors, and Medical Doctors.  

Is there Certification for Neurofeedback?

Yes, there are certifications but at present practitioners are not required to obtain one.  I am certified in the Othmer Method, a process that requires self-led learning, 400 hours of experience, 10 hours of coaching, 3 in-person courses, and a minimum of 30 hours of personal Neurofeedback.  Another common certification is via the Biofeedback Certification International Alliance.  Their requirements also include coursework, a test, personal experimental hours, 100 client hours, and 25 supervisory hours. 

Is Neurofeedback permanent?

Neurofeedback is not represented as a cure for any issue, but typically clients see goal progress around 20 sessions and some aspects of the training may become permanent at this point. This does not mean the symptoms you struggle with never return, but rather the goal is that over time the symptoms are some combination of less severe, more infrequent, or when they appear the you are better able to manage them. 

EEG info’s website additionally explains some of the nuances of this by noting that for general disregulation issues in the brain (anxiety, sleep disorders), there is a certain permanence but for degenerative conditions (Parkinson’s, dementias) ongoing training will likely be necessary.

What is a Neurofeedback Intensive?

For some clients it is difficult to do weekly sessions due to travel and time commitments.  This modality can be done as often as 3 sessions daily, though practitioners rarely do more than 2.  If a fit for the client, providers may offer an intensive approach where the client can complete multiple sessions daily for a set period of time.  The sessions are evenly spaced throughout the day to allow time to see the session impact and make any needed adjustments.  If you are interested in this type of approach, please note this when you fill out the contact form and I will be happy to discuss if this is a fit for you.

Should my therapist and I discuss adding Neurofeedback?

  As a therapist, there are periodically times that I have to consider if something else needs to be added to my client’s work.  Neurofeedback typically comes up if you are struggling to make progress or have stagnated with your therapy work while still needing healing.  For some individuals there is a need to work through trauma but it is too hard to do so via the therapy process, for others there have been years of therapy but there is a stuck point in the progress.  In the same way that there comes a time to discuss an intervention like a medication for anxiety or depression, this is another tool that can be added. 

How do I find a provider?

Well, you’ve found me! If you are interested in a discussion about your specific situation, please reach out via my contact page and set up a free consultation. If my location, services, etc. are not a good fit for you, you can often identify providers via services such as Psychology Today. In Georgia, the Biofeedback and Clinical Neuroscience Association has a listing of practitioners here.

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Honey if you love me–please smile!

In middle school I remember many parties where we entertained ourselves by playing the game “Honey if you love me—please smile!”  The game consisted of the person who was “it” going around the circle repeating that phrase in hopes of getting someone to crack a smile—while the circle members did their best to resist.  Though simple, a good deal of strategy was employed in choosing the circle member to approach—who giggles the easiest?  Who can’t resist laughing at a funny voice?  Who will lose their cool if I’m 2 inches from his or her face?

As we approach Valentine’s day and our thoughts turn towards the relationships in our lives I wonder how many out there are playing “Honey if you love me—please smile!” on a day-to-day basis?  I don’t mean playing games with those you love, but rather trying to identify and manage the emotions of those close to you.  This is different than noticing when a friend or loved one is feeling up or down and responding accordingly, instead I mean when the focus is primarily on the other person to the neglect of noticing your own emotions.

Sometimes when a child grows up in a home full of chaos, perhaps due to a parent struggling with addiction or active abuse in the home, he or she learns to read the emotions of the adults in the family and seeks to manage their emotions.  This is a self-protective coping mechanism which can be vitally important at the time—if the child’s father is drunk when he comes home, for instance, the child needs to be able to sort out whether it is safer to stay out his way or engage and placate him.  However, the coping mechanisms we rely on in a survival mode, can turn into a hindrance once we are in safe and healthy relationships.

Still, you may wonder how being aware of the emotions of others can hurt.  As I noted, it’s ok to notice how those around us are feeling—but does it allow you to not pay attention to your own emotions?  Do you ignore your own bad day in order to run over and fix someone else’s?  The danger here is not as much being aware of others as allowing that to replace being aware of what you are feeling.  When we ignore our own emotions and needs it opens us up to having our boundaries violated, not caring for ourselves when needed, and potentially depression and other mental illnesses.  If you find yourself rushing to identify the emotions of those around you, take a moment to consider what you’re feeling at that moment.  Can you identify your own emotion?  Is it difficult to identify?  Do you feel guilty acknowledging how you feel?  Those who answer yes, may be struggling with codependent patterns in relationships.  Next time we will more closely define codependency and consider another way it shows up—when our caring for others becomes caretaking.  See you then!

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What type of freedom do you choose?

These days we typically think of ourselves as “free” in our choices and how we live our lives.  However, for those struggling with mental illness and addiction the idea of freedom is often shaped by years of twisted thinking and recovery can seem an insurmountable obstacle due to fears of additional failure and the simple unknown.  Freedom sometimes comes to be seen in staying in the known entity of depression or addiction, choosing to be bound.

In these conversations I am often reminded of the following quote from Margaret Atwood’s A Handmaid’s Tale:  “There is more than one kind of freedom…Freedom to and freedom from.  In the days of anarchy, it was freedom to.  Now you are being given freedom from.  Don’t underrate it.” (p.24).  The quote is in a recollection by the main character of how her now fully controlled society was presented as she and other women were indoctrinated into their new profession as “Handmaids.”  The book is a first person narrative from a woman known as “Offred” (Fred being the man whose handmaid she is).  She shares this quote early in the book while considering the sharp contrast of the current society to her own past, when women lived in fear of rape or attack by men–a problem her society has “eliminated” by introducing extreme control.

This line always stood out vividly for me as a perspective on the different freedoms that one gains by avoidance vs. license.  In Offred’s current world, she is free of the fear of sexual violence, but lacks the freedom to be in any other type of relationship with men than as a handmaid (and faces serious consequences if she breaks the law).  In some ways she has adjusted, but when she is given a new taste of “freedom to,” she clings to it desperately.  As noted, the idea of “freedom from” becomes tempting for those dealing with mental illness, particularly when individuals become discouraged and begin to wonder if the fight is worthwhile.  There is a type of safety in the known aspects of the sadness, anger, fear, or broken relationships.  That perceived safety makes the unknown of change appear to be an overwhelming risk, leading to thoughts along the line of “at least I know what each day will bring if I stay here.”  The struggle with the illness can seem more daunting than the illness itself–particularly when the depression, etc. has been a part of daily life for many years.  Individuals can be tempted to draw back in to the pain and dysfunction, knowing they are losing other options, but choosing freedom from the struggle.

Returning to our example, Offred is torn at various points between the safety of status quo and her internal desire for a different type of freedom.  Ultimately, her desire draws her into the danger of pursuing it.  Likewise, though the struggle was difficult, I have yet to meet the individual who has tasted freedom from addiction or mental illness and was hoping to return back into the pain and bondage of the past.  Is a change scary if you have lived with this way for many years?  Absolutely!  Will working through your issues ensure you a perfect life?  No.  But it comes with the benefit of being able to experience life in a more full, connected, and (hopefully!) joyful way.

So what is the big picture?  No matter what your story is, there will be points where you will have choices about whether to press forward towards the hope of healing or to retreat into the familiar emotions and coping skills of the past.  There are certainly appropriate times for “freedom from,” but my hope is that you will trust those who have gone before you that change and healing ARE possible.  Change is not instant, easy, or even a straight line progression, it will have times of mistakes and feel strange, but a life with a healed outlook and managed illness is a worth fighting for.

 

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Finding Your Quiet Space

What draws you to what you read?  I found myself pondering this with my nose stuck in Alexander McCall Smith’s latest 44 Scotland Street novel.  The books are quiet, winding stories around 10-12 characters who all live in Edinborough, Scotland.  They offer escape by allowing the reader to lose him or herself in the small-scale dramas of a “stolen” teacup or lying little girls in the schoolyard.  Problems and complications abound, but so do growth, restoration, and eventually solutions.

The book creates a calm and warm space, allowing a respite from the many true evils and tragedies in our world.  This is increasingly necessary due to the barrage of information our world daily places in front of us.  Even social media, which once revolved around sharing photos and connecting with friends, has become a highly efficient way to spread information about causes, issues, and seemingly unsolvable problems.  I would guess that for many, this barrage leads to anxiety and sadness over an overwhelmingly complicated world.

At times when anxious and depressive thoughts begin to well up beyond what is manageable, it is helpful to remember that the world is always full of pain and anger and you can choose how to engage.  Taking a time-out from the things that breed those thoughts does not mean that you don’t care or won’t do something in the future.  Be free to shut down facebook/twitter/Pinterest, etc. for a day or two and do something renewing.  Read a book with a happy plot, journal, go for a walk in nature, play with a pet, watch a funny movie.  Find what gives you encouragement and strength in order to re-engage with the realities of a broken world.

For me, engaging in a story that I know will eventually lead to (most) all being right with the world helps me build a space for quiet and renewal–what will your space look like?

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A Very Stepford Life

Facebook.  Pinterest.  Twitter.  Blogs.  We have become adept at remotely keeping tabs on our peers–and our peers have become adept at presenting us carefully edited versions of themselves, their relationships, and everything else.  Logically we know we are seeing mere snapshots of a life but we still buy into the fantasy and and can become bitter over our own lack of perfection.

Speaking of perfection, do you remember the premise of  Ira Levin’s “The Stepford Wives”?  The story is fascinating and terrifying as it chronicles the strange town of Stepford where all the women eventually become single-minded, beautiful, meek versions of themselves, wholly focused on cleaning their homes and catering to their men.  We know little of the men’s actual thoughts on the process, but we do see that they actively submit their wives to this transformation (the book is unclear on what must be done to achieve the result) but we do see them walking through a process of increasing dissatisfaction with their wives.  The process seems to start when the local illustrator draws a picture of the woman, presenting her as a flawless version and creating a “blueprint” for who she will become.  From there, the men slowly separate sexually, emotionally, and with their time as they put the blocks in place to achieve their goal of having the “perfect” wife.

As I read the descriptions of the transformations I found my mind wandering to the potential blueprints of ourselves we alternately pine after and project on our social networks. We rush to pin and share pictures of perfectly manicured homes, clothing, and tips to become ever more the domestic goddess/fantastic parent/perfect wife and so forth.  Has the Stepford fantasy become something we confuse with reality?

In Levin’s tale, the men become enamored with a fantasy over a real, flawed relationship and life.  It is easy to fall into that both in our relationship with ourselves and with others.  So much perfection is presented to us as being attainable it becomes easy to become angry with ourselves when we don’t measure up.  We are now the ones drawing the picture of who we should be and (figuratively) killing ourselves to achieve the fantasy.  That dissatisfaction can spread into our other relationships and show up in frustration when the people around us don’t conform to the life we are trying to create.

There isn’t anything wrong with striving for improvement (sometimes it is needed and achievable), however, when that striving causes us to resent the mixed bag of messiness and happiness that make-up healthy relationships things are heading down a slippery slope.  (Please note, I am not addressing the need for change in relationships with unhealthy patterns, but individuals in basically healthy relationships.)  While I doubt any of my readers would replace their spouse or child with an animatron in pursuit of perfection, we can often lose out on enjoying the good things in our relationships because of our desire for perfect things.

If you find yourself on the dissatisfaction slope, perhaps it is time to stop looking at the imperfect that surrounds you and focus on the good.  Complement yourself.  “Catch” your spouse being helpful and thank him or her.  Remind yourself that children’s noise and messiness can be a sign of a happy and active imagination. True satisfaction does not come from perfection but from embracing the good within the natural flaws of life.

So, next time you look at an image of a perfect house/child/body and begin to regret your own life, remember that perfection is rarely reality and consider its potential price.

 

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A Picture of Waiting–Rebecca Rodgers’ “Between the Academy and a Profession”

My website header refers to the unexpectedness of life and recently mine has had a few twists and turns of its own.  I’ve found myself with less energy for writing and not enough time for reading!  Consequently I’m going to cheat a little today and direct you to an article I came across via a friend’s facebook wall that beautifully encapsulates the alternating pain and hope of times of waiting.  Rebecca Rodgers (author) writes from a perspective of Christian faith about her emotional struggles on the road to finding work, but her experience applies universally to anyone who has found themselves doing everything they can and yet coming up empty.  Rodgers also discusses how her faith has sustained her through this process and comes to some encouraging realizations for other Christians.

Take a moment to read her story.  For those in a similar place, be encouraged that you are not alone.  For those who are walking alongside friends in this place, take away insight into the journey of waiting.

http://www.intervarsity.org/gfm/well/resource/between-academy-profession

 

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No more foolin’

Well, I hope that you enjoyed a little light-heartedness for April Fools!  Sometimes laughter is as good as any medicine or therapeutic technique.  Thankfully the Sesame Street Intervention Gang retired after yesterday and we return to just enjoying the show.  We’ll be back to business as usual later this week–I think I promised additional Hunger Games postings!

Hope your April is off to a happy and healthy start!

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